Cat and the Fellowship
by Catreen Dragonsword
Summary: Well, I'm at it again. NO, DO NOT RUN! This isn't a romance fic, as all of my others are turning into ::epp::. What happens when a girl hates the Fellowship? Total Chaos. This one I would like you, yes you dear reader to put yourself in. Review with an O/
1. Meat the Fellowship

Hi all, I've gotten terribly sick of writing romance fics so here's something new. To all whom love Legolas, DO NOT READ! I'm warning you, some not very pleasant things happen to him. I own all that is unfamiliar, but everything else goes into my stew-pot of disownership. I should let you know also that I am very prone to Bloody Murder, at times can sound like a hunting orc, and can growl as well (if not better) than a mountain lion. If you see them in the fic and think 'That could never happen, human vocal cords cannot produce a sound like THAT' YOU ARE WRONG. Every grunt whine or other sound I have personally made myself, although I might be more than part orc.

"Nine walkers against nine riders, hmm, odd coincidence. I don't think nine is a lucky number." Said Elrond. He looked at them, and glanced at a gap in the circle. 

"I'll go. If left to it's own device this fellowship will fall apart at the seems." Said a voice "Men." It grumbled. Then, through the opening in the circle, a lady walked into the center. She had on a white gown and no shoes and around her neck hung a dragon-shaped pendant. 

The men looked around hastily trying to see which men she was muttering about. They shortly figured out that she was talking about them.

"Well, at least I don't wear my night-clothes to a secret council." Murmured Legolas in spite

"Leg-less Green leaf, don't make me come over there. I (stress on the I) was wounded trying to get here, trying to protect life, honor, county, and friend. No one expected me to even gain conciseness in time for the council, so no clothes were set out and I have the decency NOT to go through my hosts cloths." Her voice held malice few had ever heard. Legolas grumbled something then said,

"At least you could have changed into the dress you came in." He thought that he wasn't insulting her, but…

"*grunt growl* Leg-man DIE!" The woman propelled herself at the elf with surprising speed and dexterity. Her hands were tearing at his face when she kneed him in the place where the sun don't shine. She smirked as his eyes went very wide and he stopped grappling at her and clutched his… (PG-13 fic people). A girl was beating the crud out of our Favorite prince. Five dwarves, at Elrond's command (it is his house, after all), grabbed the girl's arms and hauled her to her feet. She kept kicking the poor man until two elves took a foot in each hand. Stretching the woman out they held her, but only barely. One of the dwarves lost his grip on the straining muscles. He captured her shoulder again.

"AAAAAAAgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" she screamed, right underneath his hand was a terrible wound from an orc arrow. Although not as awful as a Morgul wound, it had time to fester. Not only that, but orcs are not necessarily the cleanest things, and the shaft had remained in her for an hour, until the battle was over.


	2. A new danger

Well, I'm back! Yes, Himitsu Honto, I am doing characters on reviewers. So, let's meet (meat) the new victims, uh I mean characters. Himitsu Honto, no description, so I'll do one myself *evil smirk*. Celenathil-the-Elf, again the same situation, you people are lazy. And random flamer, though I don't think he (she? it?) wanted to be here, that's what you get for calling THIS a Mary-Sue.

Himitsu Honto runs to help every ones favorite elf from his public humiliation. 

"If she goes, then I go, too. If only to keep her from killing Legolas." She said smiling inwardly at her own wit. Cat growled impatiently. 

"Hey! Don't leave me here!" cried Celenathil-the-Elf "I'm going, too! And you can't stop me!" 

So the Fellowship gained new members, each equally to be feared. 

Meanwhile, in Saruman's tower…

"Yes, that's what they said. I think we could play on the fierce one's strength, she might just destroy the blond one." Said Random Flamer

"Quiet you fool, I just had an idea. What if we used the fierce one's strength to destroy the fellowship? She would like to kill the blond one, wouldn't she?" Said Saruman

"Yes, she would." 

"Well, what are you waiting for, fool. Go, track the fellowship."

And thus the fellowship, though they didn't know it, gained a new peril.

Well, folks, I need new people to join. I know this is a SHORT chapter, but I have a cool idea for the next chapter, but I need at least one new character to write it. Review and you get a cookie.


	3. Cat's Wound

Cookies go to wow, Rhiannon, and Himitsu Honto! Now wait 24 days, spin around five times in a mud puddle, and sing all the songs from LotR you know and Legolas Greenleaf will deliver your cookie to you in person in the next 7,000 years. Anyone else want to join? REVIEW! You may get your own chapter.

Rhiannon had been watching the fellowship for a few days now, and was feeling rather annoyed. She was SUPPOSED to convince Cat that Legolas was a demon (*What is the M-E equivalence of demons? Does anyone know?*) but so far, she couldn't get close to the girl. Although, that handsome ranger was something else.

Cat knew they were being followed, she wasn't as stupid as everyone thought. A sudden noise behind her brought her snapping around.

"Please don't hurt me!" cried Pippin. "I was told to come over here and ask about you, you know, wound." She had been touchy about it lately, so naturally everyone was curious about it. 

"Who wants to know?" she asked suspiciously.

"Well," responded Pip "Everyone, from Gandalf to Legolas." He was shaking a little

"Go get them," She said to poor Pip, "Elsewise, I'll be up to my ears in questions before the day is done." Pippin scuttled off to find the fellowship.

Himitsu Honto were arguing with Celenathil-the-Elf over who will get Legolas when Pippin came running in.

"Cat…will…tell…us…now!" gasped the hobbit. "Need…tell…Arag…orn…and…Leg…o…las! Will… you?" he was practically falling down from exhaustion. The two girls ran to get the men, and surround the grumpy woman.

"Well, now that everyone's here," Cat started, even though Legolas wasn't. "I'll start the story. It was me and my two best friends, Valison and Canandy. We can all take very good care of ourselves in the wilderness, but Cana (Canandy, pronounced Kan-a-lin-di or Kan-a, don't ask) ate a rotten mushroom and didn't feel well. Val, Valison (pronounced Vail-ion-nis-on) and I dragged her to a sheltered cave near Moria. Come nightfall, we were overtaken by orcs. The leader was an elf I recognized as being from Mirkwood. Val was gravely wounded, and I took an arrow in the shoulder. Val was lucky, the blade wasn't poisoned. I wasn't." At this point Cat closed her eyes and continued. "Cana was really sick in the middle of a battle, so Val climbed into the cave and took care of her, and it was just me outside defending the hole." Her eyes opened, blazing. "Orc poisoning was taking over, but I fought. Don't know how I lived, but I did. Come morning, Cana was better, Val got bandaged, and I finally got the stinking arrow out of my shoulder. We got to Rivendell without further mishap, but when we did Val and I had to be taken to the healers. Turns out Cana was pregnant, not sick. Cana stayed back in Rivendell, Val goes where Cana goes, and I … you know what happened to me." She groped for her waterbottle, only to find it was not there. Legolas had it, and waved it in Cat's face. She went to slap him, but he grabbed her wrists. 

"Fine, have my wrists!" she croaked. She swept Legolas' legs out from under him, and twisted so that he was on the ground under her (*Not THAT way, pervert! Ewww, nasty, nasty gutter brain!*) and his throat was pinned under her forearms. Slowly she let him up. Legolas tried to take a drink of the water in the bottle, but found while he had been choking in Cat's grasp she had been stealing back her water.

"What's so insulting about a dress?!?" He asked the air.

"A dress can imply you thought I was weaker than you." Cat whispered in his ear. " You know the saying, '…wears the pants of the family.'? Well, I take that literally." She hadn't been really POed. Oh Eru, he didn't want to see her in a bad mood.


End file.
